I believed the opinion polls in the run up to this election. I truly believed we'd still be discussing our new coalition government for the next few days, or even weeks. I believed BBC News when they told me we might not know who governs our country until the beginning of June.
That's why I didn't believe the first exit polls. Watching the alternative election coverage at home, alone was surreal. I wanted someone to tell me I was interpreting the numbers wrong, but I wasn't. I took a picture of the screen and sent it out on What'sApp: "We're leaving the country if they get a majority." Came the reply, he didn't didn't believe the numbers either.
Feeling so emotional about this election result took me by surprise. I had to choose between my head and my heart in the polling booth and I didn't think I cared as much about the outcome as I did. And that's part of what I don't understand. The other part is - I don't understand why you voted Tory.
I wanted to vote Green, but I don't wholeheartedly believe in some of their policies. But I also really, really didn't want another Conservative government. I did lots of research, and lots of those quizzes (which told me I support Conservative, Liberal Democrat, Labour and Green - so a massive help, obviously). The most striking thing I found was that the policies I like most about Green, are actually fundamental to Labour too - although there are still LOTS of Labour policies I don't believe in either. I can see why people are confused.
The constituency I live in was predicted to swing from Liberal Democrat to a Labour majority. By voting Green in my area, I could have inadvertently kept the Liberal Democrats in power here.
Labour won in my constituency. By a landslide actually. But it wasn't even nearly enough.
I went to bed late last night, and every hour or so I'd wake up in the darkness and refresh the BBC election results screen on my phone to find yet another few seats had been snatched away by the Tories. By the time it was light, and close to 5am the deal was pretty much done. I was awake then, confused. Confused because the opinion polls had me convinced. Confused because almost everyone I know is a vocal Labour, Green or SNP supporter and I'm not exposed to much in the way of Tory politics among the people I spend time with.
I'm also confused, and this is the big one. I'm confused because I cannot understand how anyone can live their life in the 'every man for himself' mentality that Conservative promotes. I want to understand your position, I'd be willing to listen if I knew someone willing to talk to me about it honestly and without resorting to a shouting match and sweeping generalisations about 'benefits cheats', 'immigrants' and 'the working class'.
I don't understand how you can vote for a party committed to cutting benefits from society's most vulnerable people, including veterans, disabled people and children. I don't understand how you can vote for a party that vilifies the same vulnerable groups to cover up the real problems in our country. Immigrants and benefits cheats are categorically NOT costing the UK as much as tax evasion, corporate loopholes and bankers' bonuses. I don't understand how you can actively go and vote for a party that lets this happen. How can you close your eyes to the cuts, the austerity, the homelessness and poverty and vote for a party that's going to make those things worse?
I'm writing this to figure this out for myself. I'm going to dig deeper. And through the hot tears that I can feel behind my eyes as I read article after article that tell me how the next five years will be (I cry when I'm angry, not just when I'm upset, it's pretty annoying) I'll dig to find the truth, to really understand the policies that are important to me. And hopefully figure out what's prompted such a strong reaction against this government in my opinion. After all, I'm not in the majority and 11,334,920 people obviously saw something to vote for, even if I don't get it.
I don't expect discover much that I like about the Conservative Party and its policies, but at least I'll have the ammunition to stand up for myself and what I believe in when I'm in the next challenging conversation.
Here are some things I intend to do, and you could to, no matter what you believe:
Join a party I truly believe in (if I can find one)
Communicate with my local MP
Volunteer
Support relevant activism, petitions and protests
Stay informed - we all did a lot of research this time round, and I'm not going to stop learning
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